Moments

Here it goes again. But this time seems different. Of course, it always seems different, but this time it’s stronger. More visceral. Deeper.

I didn’t think I’d ever feel this kind of attraction again. The kind where you really feel like fucking fireworks would start shooting off the moment you finally kiss each other. At least, that’s how it feels to me.

I think the strongest feelings of love are always elicited when you’re not certain that the object of your desire feels the same way about you as you do about them. Could she feel the same way? Sure. To an extent. You see, she already has someone. She has a boyfriend. And according to anyone who knows them, they’re the epitome of perfect for each other.

But. If there’s one thing I think I know, it’s that there have been moments with her. Moments where I know she was feeling what I was, or at least some version of it. Moments where we’ve both stopped talking and just silently stared into each others eyes.

Hers are blue. The kind of blue that instantly grabs your attention and makes her stick out in a group picture. The kind of blue that has me getting lost in them as I write this just based off of the memory of them.

But anyway, back to those moments I was talking about. As I’m gazing into her eyes and both of us are silent. I want to kiss her. She seems like she wants me to kiss her. But does she? Or is it just my lovesick mind trying to believe what it wants so bad to be true actually is.

Should I risk it. That’s what holds me back. Should I risk the friendship that’s developed between us being irreparably damaged? There’s obviously no coming back from that, at least not fully. Should I risk making every future moment we end up around each other being devastatingly awkward? Or worse, maybe she would just avoid me altogether afterwards and I’d never spend time with her again.

I take solace in this period of possibility I’m in. I’ve yet to do anything, so at least I can still believe that we’ll be together sooner or later. But if I throw all those risks aside, and she doesn’t feel the same, there’s no more possibility. No more hope. I’m not worried about the pain I’d feel, I can deal with that. I’m worried because I want this. I want her. And the sheer possibility that we could be together is almost enough. Almost.

I just don’t want to lose that feeling of hope. But maybe my intuition is right. That’s not so crazy is it? Maybe she’s just waiting for me to make a move. Maybe she’s thinking the same thing. She doesn’t want to leave her relationship because me being interested in her is just a figment of her imagination. She could be thinking that. Right?

She could be thinking that she doesn’t want to leave her relationship for something that’s not real. But maybe, maybe if she knew that unexplainable feeling between us was real, maybe she would end it with her boyfriend. Or maybe I should just leave it alone. Maybe she’s happy with him.

It’s just whenever I start to think like that I always go back to those moments between us. And her eyes looking into mine. And I think, this is real.